Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
