whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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