I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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