We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize