What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
