I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Randomize
