how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Best friends brother. Beat that.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
