Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
