After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
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