Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
