Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
