I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
