I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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