Pants 0. Shit 1.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
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