he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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