when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
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