he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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