How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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