u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
