The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Randomize
