Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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