sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Randomize
