I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
pop tarts are not kleenex
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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