Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
