I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Randomize
