I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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