Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
it's great music for shaving your balls
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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