Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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