I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
