So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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