hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
they need to just BURY HIM!
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I don't deserve a penis
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
