all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
