you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
My boob is missing a layer of skin
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
