Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Too much gin, very little bucket
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
