I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Randomize
