whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
You're a waste of cheezeits
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
