i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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