I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
only if we run a train.
done.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Randomize
