I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
