I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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