Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
