wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
