So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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