living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
