dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Randomize
