Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Randomize
