Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Randomize
