Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize