last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
