So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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