so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
do nipples grow back?
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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