I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
yes we did fuck in his chapter room. yes it was demeaning. and yes, they probably will discuss it at chapter tonight.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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