I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
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