dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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