i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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