Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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