I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Randomize
