This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
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