Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
