Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
