I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
