the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
