Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize