the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
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