I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Randomize
