your parents love me but you hate me
Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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